Your face is a jimmy john
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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