had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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