Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the day after is always just damage control
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
