I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
