I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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