Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
