I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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