She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my being single is dangerous.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
