Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
