I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
