WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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