He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
