3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize