Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize