thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dicks are not precious.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
