I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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