grandma shit on top of the toilet
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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