just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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