I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
