what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
