Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
