Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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