its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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