Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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