Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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