You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
