hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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