omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
