I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
