So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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