I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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