She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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