my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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