she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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