Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
