Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
