Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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