Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
