finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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