Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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