one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
