Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
