the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
