Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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