I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
