he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
