You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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