Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
