watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
