how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
