I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
