Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
her vagine was all disorganized.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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