let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
