i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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