Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
