We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
