Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
