I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
