Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
