So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
