I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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