Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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