we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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