Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
