She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
