I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
