pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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