when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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